This Is About Pools

I have two full days until I make my leap to Texas. It is finally hitting me and I am terrified.

Remember when you were a kid at the community pool and you had gained enough courage for that moment to climb to the top of the high dive? You were thinking “Don’t slip, don’t look down, don’t chicken out, and for the love of GOD don’t cry!” That is exactly how I feel right now. I’m at the edge of the high dive. I looked down. Thankfully, I’m not 12 anymore and i’m not at the top of the community pool’s high dive. I’m 20 and i’m making a leap across two states. I don’t even have a reason as to why i’m doing this. I just am. 

 

Blessing and a Curse

As you all could see from my latest posts, my relationship has been ending quit slowly and irreversibly. 

I can tell you for sure that this is true. 

What happened was that he became overcome with depression. He was numb to his feelings, therefore, he showed zero towards me. My body’s natural defense mechanism is to emotionally start retracting myself. I grieved our relationship and began to mend my own heart. It was painful at times, but I have a strong will. He hasn’t spoken to me in 6 days and didn’t bother acknowledging my birthday (i’m 20, yay!) which I was hoping for, but slightly let down. That was my last grain of hope. 

But I can honestly say i’m over it. It took me just a moment to get over him. I put away all his things into a small box. I won’t defile his belongings or burn them. He never outright hurt me. You can’t help depression; well not right away. I just hope that one day he looks back and misses me. 

When I was younger, I had some harsh things happen to me. It was a lot to process for me, and for anyone else i’m sure. It was a pill I had to swallow. My mother had left me and my brothers for over 3 years. Vanished. I couldn’t handle the feelings of missing her and the pain. So I taught myself how to emotionally cut myself off from things. I would stop thinking about it completely and never look back. It’s a blessing and a curse. 

I say it’s a blessing because it saves me so much heartache and pain. It allows me to move on painlessly. No more tears or caring. It’s vanished right out of my mind. 

I also say it’s a curse because there are times when I can’t control it. Like if one bad thing happened in a relationship and my feelings get hurt, i’m already cutting them out of my mind and heart when all they did was something simple and unworthy of detachment. Then I become emotionless towards the person and they never seem to come back. See, I don’t know how to control it. 

In conclusion, I can’t say that i’ll miss him. I missed him enough over the past 3 months which he was emotionally vacant. I’m almost relieved. I can’t and won’t do another long distance relationship. I’m not built emotionally for those. I don’t have the strength. I want someone close that I can touch and love. I want to be able to sleep in their bed and kiss them and cuddle them. I want to physically show him how I care. I need warmth and security. 

That’s all I want. 

I Fell Short

Enough is enough is enough is enough. 

I have received your message in the clearest way possible without using words. You do not want me. 

You wanted something closer. Something you didn’t have to work for. Something within reach. I wasn’t that. 

You told me you didn’t know how long you could go without having me there. I took the initiative to move to where you are. I did the best that I could. I applied to 2 universities I had no interest in only to be closer to you. I got into both. My mother and step father got a job 3 hours away from you and I decided to move too. 

I was willing to leave my home town, my family, and my friends. Just for you. I tried my hardest. I gave it what I had. 

You couldn’t even tell me a simple “good night”, which was the smallest request I made. 

You pulled away from me and singed yourself from my life. You told me “I don’t know”‘s and “I hope so”‘s. That’s not enough for me. I’m not enough for you. 

Everyday for the past year and a half I have spoken to you and told you “goodnight” and how much you meant to me just before bed. I wanted to give you that reassurance that i’m still here for you. 

But tonight will be the first night that I don’t tell you “goodnight” and I type this with a heavy heart. 

This may seem like a small and insignificant step, but for me it’s huge. I have already grieved this relationship and I am now mending myself. I’m about 87% alright. He started off as my best friend then to someone I wanted to marry. 

It’s funny how things can crash so quickly right on your heart’s desires. 

I know i’m about to sound angst, but I feel like I have a right to, for just this one moment. I wasn’t enough for you. I couldn’t fill in the gaps. I fell short. I let you down. You let me down. 

I had high hopes for us, babe.

I Spoke Too Soon

Let me start this off with i’m not crying right now . 

I dug up the courage to ask where we stood with each other. In a nut shell, distance is hurting him and making him not see the light at the end of the tunnel. A.K.A. me moving to his neck of the woods. He wants someone who is within reach. I’m not that. He’s uninspired and tired, emotionless and lonely. 

I am not enough. 

I want to say “i’m sorry”, but I know it’s not me as a person who is hurting him. 

I want to fix this, but for GOD’s sake i’m moving across 2 states for him. What more can I do?

I want to say “Let’s give it time for this to pass” but what if it doesn’t? I can’t sit here in this grey matter forever wondering if i’m enough for you yet. 

Tell me now if you want me. It’s a simple “yes or no” question. 

Christ, if you’re going to take a bandaid off, yank it fast. Don’t make this slow and painful or us both. 

You know better than that and so do I. 

Deep sigh

I thought you were it, babe. 

 

Think Positive, Get Positive

Today was a better day. My mind has been clouded for the past couple of weeks with negative things. They were very selfish thoughts, but normal for any human.

My relationship is ok. I can not tell you how thankful I am for that. He means so much to me. It’s like my heart almost literally swells when I talk about him because he’s also my best friend. Falling for your best friend is odd at first but ultimately one of the greatest wonders. Things are thriving. I’m smiling.

When he’s happy, i’m happy. When he’s sad, it hurts my heart for him. He deserves the world and I want to do my best to find it with him. 

This has been a happy post. 

c:

Hear Me Out

Sometimes the listener needs to be listened to. 

That’s the downside of my personality. I’m there for everyone and give my entire self to help someone in anyway, but I don’t get the same in return. I want to be worth something to someone. I want someone to say “Hillary, i’m here for you.” or “Talk to me, what’s wrong?” 

Please don’t think i’m sitting here expecting things in return because i’m not. I just want someone to be there for me too. 

 

Ignoring the Problem Won’t Make it Disappear

You can close me out all you want, but the ugly truth is your dull pain will still be there. 

I know it’s me. You don’t have the guts to tell me yet, but I know it’s me. 

I don’t want it to be me, but you have made it so obvious that how could it not be me?

I’ve cried about it. Thought about it for hours at a time. I’ve wept till I couldn’t any longer. This is not the first time this has happened to me. I’m sure not for you either (the reader.) I usually call them out, “Hey, what’s wrong? Is it me?” I make it my burden. I sit in anxiety and I wait for their reply. I see that it is me and then the relationship dwindles in my hands and i’m left to sweep up my own bits. But you know what, this is not going to be my burden this time. I’m going to stubbornly sit here and wait it out. I’m going to live my life.

As my mother told me today, “Baby girl, never let any person and the lifter of your head and happiness. Only you can do that.” 

I’m going to let it be. 

Unraveling Aspirations

“I can’t wait for you to be here finally. I can’t wait to wrap my arms around you. I can’t wait. I want you. Only you. Please hurry up, my arms are getting cold.” -something I need to hear from you. 

“(nothing)” -what you are saying. 

Please don’t leave me standing here wishing, okay?

You use to say so much, but now you say so little. It’s your silence that stings the most. 

Are we there? Are we at that point? 

I know this feeling all too well. Please make it go away.

The further you push, the tighter I cling. I’m sorry, I just want you.

You.

Y O U.

Confused Pain

Pain is a funny thing. 

It’s not always something that is outright or blunt. Sometimes it comes in small packages or small doses. Sometimes it is unrecognizable. Disguised. 

Actually pain really isn’t a funny thing because i’m not laughing. Quite the opposite. 

As I type this, tears are gushing from my sleepy eyes and Alanis Morissette is playing in the background.

I’m hurting. I’m in pain. Mostly confused pain. 

It’s hard to read through blurred lines and cryptic messages. This is why i’m confused. 

This is about to get cliche real quick, y’all. Bare with me.

He stole my heart not suddenly, but over time. He started out as my best friend and then something that blossomed into much more. I grew attached and fell “in like” with him. 

He’s amazing. He makes me smile and feel so pretty. I want him to be mine for always. 

Now reading all of that, you may wonder “why is she so sad? he seems great!” 

Well..don’t get me wrong, he IS great. I just don’t think he believes i am too anymore. It hurts. 

He’s distant. 

Other people are grabbing and getting his attention. Something it’s hard for me to give when i’m 13 hours away (i’m moving to his neck of the woods in a month, btw.) 

 

I may just be paranoid. I probably am. But it still doesn’t take away from this stinging pain. He’s been in my life for almost a year and a half. 

I just want him to be happy. Not only with himself, but with me. I guess i’m just feeling worthless tonight. 

“Please know that i’m here for you always. I want you. You mean the universe to me and I want you to be happy. I want you to know that my heart is yours. You have it. Please, please do not give it back.”

See, pain really isn’t funny at all. Not one bit.

“That’s not true.”

I can assure you that it isn’t.

I love my parents. I do. I am an adult now and I can feel myself growing up. I make it a point to never ask for things I do not need. Appreciation is what they deserve and it is what I give. Using my parents as a “wallet” is something I make sure I do not do. EVER. But it seems that is what I am being accused of.

You see, my mother, she lives far away from me. Right at two hours of solid driving. My mother is one of my best friends and I love her so much. When I go to see her, I have no other motives other than just to spend time with my mom. I don’t care about her money. I really don’t. I can’t be bought. This is why I’m frustrated right now.

“I feel used.”
“I feel like you only need me for money.”
“You treat me like a wallet.”
“The next time you call me asking for anything, it’ll be a NO.”

Mom, can I ask you something?

Do you remember everything you put me through? Do you remember the extent of the emotional and mental damage you have caused me to have? Do you remember whose fault is was? Do you remember not doing anything about it? Do you remember how hurt we were? How hurt I was? Do you not know that everyday I come to your home and he is there, I face my monsters? Did you know that? I can assure you nothing can lure me back into the arms of my anxiety and fears like you do. I love you. Money is not my hold on you. Mom, I love you. I want you to know that. Why would you mistake my love and genuine want for your attention as me asking for hand outs? Did you know that you are the one who offers us these prices and objects? Why would you hand us something and turn it back around on us using it as your weapon? Mom, I love you. Why are you making yourself the victim?

It is a slap in the face for you to mistake me as the type of person who can be bought. Is that who you think I am? See, this worries me. Obviously, my actions are being misread.

Mom, can I ask you something?
Who do you think I am?

I love you.
Money is not important to me.
Having you in my life is what matters the most.
I love you.

Y O U